The Alps
by valkrys
Summary: AU, Cohen1 family holiday including lots of drama and family interaction
1. Prologue

Discl.. I don't own anything related to the O.C., not even Ryan's hottness, damnit!

My thank yous go to Rainygal for checking the grammer and the spelling, katwoman76 for cheking the continuity and the logic and to cheekymice for the encouragement and thumps up, we're a fab team, aren't we!

**The Alps **

**Prologue**

Carrying two large bags of food, Sandy fumbled with the key lock at the entrance door, before managing to push it open, growling angrily. Kicking the door shut with his foot he turned to walk to the kitchen but stumbled and nearly fell over Seth's skateboard, which was carelessly leaning against the commode. Sandy sent a silent curse to the ceiling, before making his way towards the kitchen, roughly placing the bags on the counter, not without noticing the unpacked rucksack's on the table and Ryan's black boots laying abandoned besides the chair.

After having spent the whole day in meetings with nagging clients, Sandy's mood was below cero, the anger that had been simmering inside of him for a few hours now was coming close to surface. Neglecting the food bags, which were waiting to be unpacked, he stomped into the den where he could hear shouts and laughter coming from.

After watching for a few seconds as Ryan and Seth were hammering onto their playstation controllers, he surveyed the floor which was scattered with games and snacks. When they didn't even seem to notice him, Sandy's patience was coming to an end.

"Boys!" he boomed, his eyes narrowing slightly.

All he got was "Dad" - "Hey Sandy" from both sons, with a quick turn of their head to greet the parent, before fixing their eyes on the big screen again, continuing to fight each other virtually.

Taken aback first, it didn't take Sandy long to recover and stomp across the room, bending down and pulling the plug out of the socket.

For a second it was silent in the room, the two boys too surprised to react. But when the first shock was absorbed, Seth and Ryan glanced at each other before bolting up from the couch and shouting tirades of denegation as a reaction Sandy's recent act. It wasn't though, as if Sandy had not been waiting for such a moment to gladly release all this anger and frustration, so he didn't hesitate one second to join his two boys in their loud protest.

"GUYS!"

Startled, all three turned their heads to a shocked looking Kirsten, who was standing in the entrance, hands on her hips, anger playing around the corners of her mouth.

"What's wrong with you?" she then asked gentler, glancing at each one of them.

When Sandy and Seth were about to release another stream of words she stopped them by raising one finger, dangerously looking at them. Ryan gave his brother an amazed side glance, surprised that it took only one small gesture from Kirsten to shut him up.

"Couch. Sit. Now!" the blonde woman demanded with a stern expression on her face and again, Ryan was surprised at how fast Sandy and Seth obeyed, so he joined them silently, curious as to what was going to happen now.

"That's it! I've had enough! The arguing, the shouting and screaming, the silent family dinners, the glances and looks all three of you have been exchanging recently, it's over! I won't live like this any longer!"

The boys looked embarrassed, neither of them had realized that their releasing of stress and frustration by picking at each other had been bothering Kirsten, how their bad moods and problems from work, school or their dates had been influencing their behavior and that obviously Kirsten had been suffering from their constant fights.

Sandy was about to get up when Kirsten threw him an angry glance, asking:

"Where do you think you're going? I'm not finished!"

The boys watched as Sandy slowly sat down again, his eyes and mouth wide open, somewhat scared at the outbreak of his wife.

Ryan realized that Seth was mouthing something to him and he grinned slightly at the look of horror on his brother's face.

"So, I've decided that it's time for a family holiday" Kirsten suddenly blurted out.

Ignoring the groans from the boys and the shocked look of Sandy, she continued.

"Christmas holidays have just started and I'm not going to spend this years yule listening to you three fighting. We need to figure things out together, talk about this! So I booked a skiing trip to Switzerland, we're leaving in two days."

Realizing that she was dead serious about this, neither Sandy nor Seth dared to object. Only Ryan's low voice invaded the silence in the large room:

"But… I don't ski"

TBC


	2. The Arrival

**Discl.: I own nothing**

**Thanks to my beta team Rainygal and katwoman76. Thanks go also to Ansy Pansy aka Panz, Sharkie2008, Cynthia, kandyfanz123, Izzy, acl, JenJenxx, SVOC Luva, Leentje,**** SophiaDaniela for all the lovely reviews.  
**

**The arrival**

"Welcome to Switzerland" Seth muttered under his breath when he followed Sandy and Kirsten through the passport control. Ryan was walking close to him, holding his brother's arm with a tight grasp, his face changing from green to white.

"Ouch" Seth exclaimed when Ryan's grip became stronger and he stumbled to keep on his feet.

"Sorry…" Ryan mumbled, fumbling for his passport.

"Grüezi" the woman behind the bullet proof window greeted the two boys, waiting for them to show their passes.

"Uhm… hi" Seth grinned in response, still supporting Ryan who looked as if he were about to be sick.

"What's wrong with him?" the customs official asked Seth concerned.

"Oh, first transatlantic flight ever, guess letting him spend 12 straight hours on a plane was not the best way to introduce him to the joys of long distance air traveling."

"Ok" she nodded, giving Ryan a sympathetic smile while returning his passport, before waving them through.

"How are you keeping up buddy?" Seth asked when they stopped at the belt conveyer, waiting for their bags to pass by. Ryan let himself plop into a chair, breathing heavily, fighting to keep the nausea under control.

"Been better"

Seth chuckled and walked over to his parents, ready to pick up his and Ryan's bags as soon as they'd come through.

"How is he?" Kirsten asked Seth with a quick glance to Ryan.

"He'll be fine, don't worry Mum, the fresh and pure air of the alps will have him recovered in no time, just please don't be all hovering and mothering, ok, I'll take care of him" he warned her, without once shifting his eyes away from the conveyer.

When they had gathered all their stuff and placed it on a trolley, Seth helped Ryan up and let him grab his arm again for support, before they made their way out of the airport, heading to the car rental.

"Sorry boys, but you won't be able to have your own car, you must be 21 to rent a car here" Sandy explained, while filling out the papers for their SUV.

"This country sucks!" Seth whined, looking around the airport building, only stopping when a huge poster sprung to his eyes:

'Welcome to the Big Apple' was written over a giant apple, on the bottom large letters stated 'Visit Thurgau'.

Shaking his head at the strange first impressions he gained from this country, he turned to look at Ryan, whose head was hanging low, oblivious to what was going on in his surrounding.

Finally the guy from the car rental showed them the way to the garage and they happily stashed their bags into the trunk before climbing into the large SUV.

Sandy drove them past the taxis out of the airport area, taking the highway to Chur. Kirsten meanwhile handed Ryan a large bottle of mineral water and a pill against travel sickness, before advising him to take a nap, as they'd have to drive another 2 hours. When Ryan shivered, Seth grabbed for a blanket in the trunk and gently covered him up. Despite his need to communicate his every thought about what he saw outside the window and all the new impressions his mind collected, Seth stayed quiet and watched the beautiful scenery as they came closer to their destination. He knew that he needed a healthy Ryan to survive the next 10 days and so he was determined to do anything that would help his brother feeling better soon.

When Sandy left the highway and took the pass to Klosters Ryan started to feel even worse, being thrown around in the back of the SUV with every curve.

Sleeping had become useless and he therefore kept himself busy with watching the countryside and ignoring Seth's ranting about his parent's decision to not invite the girls to the trip.

Ryan wondered as to why the Swiss countryside was highly praised by travelers, as all he saw at the moment were dark valleys, forests and very small streets. Everything here appeared small and tiny compared to America and he asked himself, as to whether the Swiss people never felt claustrophobic.

Suddenly the sun broke through the clouds and illuminated the tiny village laying ahead of them. Sandy and Kirsten let out an astonished "Wow!" in unison which got the boys attention and they glanced through the front window, following their parent's looks.

"Wow!" Seth also exclaimed at the sight of the beautiful landscape opening up ahead of them. Ryan just watched in awe at the cozy chalets buried under what must be tons of snow, the huge mountains surrounding the valley, the sunshine reflecting on the snowy meadows, threatening to turn him blind.

Sandy drove his family slowly through the village, looking for the Hotel Vereina in which they had booked their rooms. The world was quiet around them, all noise or faintest sound was absorbed by the enormous snow masses. Finally Kirsten spotted the direction sign and they took the driveway to the Hotel, stopping in front of the impressive building, climbing out of the car with open mouths.

"This must be a freaking dream! Aspen is highly overrated!" Seth exclaimed stunned, desperately searching for his sunglasses, placing them on his nose once he found them, before taking a closer look around.

Trees, little chalets and farmhouses surrounded the hotel, small paths were stomped into the snow, everything looked like covered in sugar.

"Willkomma in Kloschters"

The family turned around and was greeted by the sight of the hotel's concierge, friendly smiling at them.

"I'm sorry, what?" Sandy asked all confused.

"Welcome to Klosters" the concierge repeated in English, adding "may I help you with your luggage?"

Together with the baggage porter, the men carried their bags into the hotel, where Kirsten checked them in, before they were guided to their apartments.

Ryan and Seth had their own room with two separate beds, as in comparison Kirsten and Sandy shared a room with a double bed.

It was already 5.30 pm and the parents decided to unpack their bags and then get settled into their room, which resulted in a wrinkled nose and a disgusted glance from Seth.

The boy with the black curls opted to not let his first day be ruined by his kinky parents and his sick brother, so he turned on the TV to see, what kind of programs were broadcasted in the land of the cheese.

Ignoring Seth, Ryan just dropped his bag to the floor and let himself fall onto bed, enjoying the soft touch of the sheets beneath him, welcoming the comfort of the mattress, the horizontal position putting his stomach at easy. He wrapped the blanket around himself to get warm and instantly drifted off to sleep.

Seeing as he was left all by himself, Seth sighed deeply and fell into reminiscent mood, pondering about the time he had not had Ryan around to cheer him up at all possible and impossible times of the day. Forcing himself to get up and do something to change his quickly worsening humor, Seth decided to take a look around.

Making his way downstairs, the Jewish boy inspected the breakfast room, chatted at the lobby with the receptionist which informed him, that there was a bar hidden in the basement. After thanking her he made his way to the stairs and carefully walked down the small steps, wondering as to why some decent architect would actually decide to place the most interesting place of a hotel in the darkest corner possible. The pub-like room was surrounded by a vault, letting it look old, mysterious and a little bit dangerous. Seth fished for his fake ID card and threw a quick glance to the picture that didn't look like him at all, but he guessed in such a dark environment nobody would notice anyway.

Placing himself on the counter he waited to be recognized by the girl pouring out beers, while silently practicing what he wanted to say, totally missing when she appeared in front of him, expectantly looking at the 18 year old boy.

"Was dörfs sie?"

Startled, Seth lifted his head and looked into the two most amazing brown eyes, sparkling of the soft lights dancing in the background. His wit disappeared as fast as his heart started beating, a picture of Summer flashing up before his view.

'She just wants your order, idiot! You're a man now Seth, you have a girlfriend for god's sake! You don't turn red and all shy when a girl in your age talks to you' he scolded himself.

The girl glanced around the bar and decided that all guests were served, as the bar was mostly empty anyway. So she walked around the counter and sat down next to Seth, amused about his shyness and the shock obvious on his face, extending her hand.

"Ich ha der ganz abu ziit. Ich bi d'Stephanie "

Seth seemed to wake up, pulling himself out of the trance, reaching for the girl's hand, answering:

"I have no idea what you just said, but I'm Seth"

"Stephanie, you're American, right?"

"Yeah" he grinned, feeling himself calm down.

"So Seth, what can I serve you?"

"Uhm… I'd like to have a… beer please…"

"Sure, no problem"

Stephanie got up and walked back to the spigot, drawing off a glass of beer.

"Could you please charge it on the room, it's 211. You don't need to see my ID card, do you?" Seth asked, wincing instantly as the stupid question left his lips, feeling the urge to slap himself – hard.

"Why? Are you under 16?" Stephanie laughed, while placing the beer and the bill to sign in front of him, offering him a light-hearted smile.

After taking a huge gulp, tasting the bitter liquid, Seth placed the glass down on the counter and threw the barmaid a surprised glance, asking:

"The drinking limit in Switzerland is 16?"

"For beer and cider, yes, for everything else it's 18" Stephanie explained, returning to the seat next to Seth.

"So, what are you doing in Klosters?" the brown haired girl asked.

"Family holiday"

"Ouch… in your age? Ah…. you must be an only child then!" she teased him sarcastically.

Sadness flashed up in Seth's eyes, sorrow and pain visible for a second, but his face didn't give anything away, his well practised poker face still up. Swallowing quickly he grinned and answered.

"Well… that's a tough one to answer, actually"

Stephanie gave him a questioningly glance, wondering what he was talking about.

"I was born as an only child, but got blessed with a brother 2 years ago..."

"I don't see your point, this isn't complicated! Unless you don't know how this works…"

Seth pouted at her remark and pressed his hands together as if he was Spock, chief officer on the enterprise, before he continued.

"Don't interrupt the master of story telling and you will understand" he mocked, raising his eyebrow at the barmaid.

Stephanie just gave him a cheerful laugh before motioned to lock her lips and crossing her hands over her chest, fully concentrating at the boy in front of her.

"See, Ryan - my brother - is not exactly of my father's gene, but was also not born by my mother" he told her mysteriously.

Seeing as Stephanie did not react as surprised as he had hoped, he bluntly told her:

"Ok, we adopted Ryan two years ago when he had some problems with his family. And this is actually our first ever family holiday all together."

"And where is this brother of yours now?"

"Although my Dad and myself have the Jewish stomach, Ryan was the one who got travel-sick, so he's upstairs, sleeping. I really hope he'll be up and kicking again tomorrow, 'cos I sure won't snowboard all by myself! It's so much more fun to watch Ryan pretending he likes it here!"

Stephanie smirked at Seth's remark, before clapping her hands together and forcefully getting up.

"So, I gotta go back to work, but I will be serving breakfast tomorrow, so in case you won't be around when he gets up, how will I be able to recognise him?"

"Well, my bro is 18 years old, has sandy blond hair, rarely talks, is not blessed with the Cohen charm but is quite the lady's man. But why would you want to recognise him?"

"Maybe I want to pass him a note for you?" Stephanie grinned flirtingly and waved slightly to Seth before returning to her work place.

Seth's face turned red as a tomato in peak season, silently thanking Jehovah for the dim lights in the bar. He wordlessly got up from his chair and wandered back to his room, hoping for Ryan to be up, 'cos he was about to tell this story no matter what!


	3. The Morning

**Discl. I don't own anything**

**Thanks to Rainygal, katwoman76 and cheekymice for their support.**

Thanks also to hanselel, JenJenxx, SVOC Luva, swenglish, Leentje, Hiera and sleeplessdream42 for the reviews! And yes, as many of you have guessed, I'm not German, but I do speak German, therefore the story is also available in a translation to this language. Also it may explain why I need 3 beta's to deliver my story in appropriate grammar/spelling...  


**The morning**

Due to his nap - which actually wasn't a nap as he slept through the night - Ryan was up early, feeling much better, relaxed and even a little bit in holiday mood. Leaving the bed he threw a glance over to his sleeping brother, parts of a babbling Seth resurfacing, unable to hold back his excitement yesterday night.

Shaking his head Ryan made his way out of the bedroom and to the bathroom, stepped into the shower, opened the faucet and enjoyed the hot water running over his tense body.

Few minutes later he stepped out, dried himself with a fluffy towel before dressing into boxer shorts, a wifebeater, a hooded sweater and a pair of jeans.

Realising that he hadn't eaten anything since over 18 hours he decided to get breakfast. As Seth was still asleep the dark blond boy made his way downstairs by himself, looking for the dining hall.

Sitting down at a table next to the window, he secretly inspecting the other guests before he shifted his look out of the window and absorbed the beautiful view of the snowy mountains and the wooden chalets.

"Was möchted sie trinke?"

Ryan's head spun around, startled by the arrival of the waitress, who was expectantly looking at him.

When he was staring at her with an empty expression in his eyes, the waitress flashed him a small smile, asking again:

"What would you like to drink Sir?"

"Oh! Coffee please" Ryan mumbled, amazed by the stunning blue eyes and the slim figure of the tall waitress.

Nodding, she disappeared, just to reappear a few moments later with a milk jug and coffee, pouring the hot, black liquid into his mug, before flashing him another smile and wandering away to serve the other guests.

Ryan swallowed slightly, his mind wandering off to his girlfriend. Or rather ex-girlfriend. He hadn't told anyone yet, but Marissa had broken up their relationship right before their trip to Switzerland. She hadn't actually called it a break up, but more exactly a break for both of them. Although he had known that their relationship had not always been stable and was far from perfect, especially after the latest events, he had still been surprised about Marissa's idea. Ryan was not yet sure what to think about all of this and had decided for himself to get this holiday over first and to then deal with this problems back in Newport after Christmas.

His eyes caught sight of the hot waitress from before bending over to pick up a napkin a careless guest had tossed off the table. Enjoying the view of a well shaped behind, his train of thoughts was interrupted when a picture of David Schwimmer appeared in his mind's eye, screaming 'but we were on a break'. Amused about his own disability to even finish the idea of cheating on Marissa, although, technically they were on a break, he jumped slightly when somebody slapped his shoulder, mumbling:

"Good morning man"

A drowsy Seth placed himself at the table and followed his brother's view, his eyes widening in surprise when he realised what exactly Ryan had been staring at.

"Woah buddy, already checking girls out?" he grinned.

"I was not checking her out Seth!" Ryan replied, trying to display a serious face, knowing he had been caught.

"Yeah, 'cos that is the face of a guy who was not checking out a girl'" Seth smirked, his look wandering back to the table. He reached for the jug and poured himself a large mug of coffee, mixing it with milk before taking a careful gulp.

"So spill, who is she?"

"The waitress?"

"Ryan, mate, please tell me that you have not been sitting here and staring at her for 15 minutes without even asking for her name?"

"A gentlemen enjoys silently" Ryan countered grinning.

"Which reminds me… Did you hear anything I told you yesterday about the girl I met in the bar?"

"Totally" Ryan lied, hoping he'd get away and would not be forced to listen to another 15 minutes of an excited Seth, babbling about his latest encounter with a female human being.

"You're out of luck Ryan, I can read you like a book! Ok, I'll tell you again. I was wandering through the hotel…"

"Good morning boys" the booming voice of Sandy interrupted Seth, before the adult placed himself in the chair next to Ryan, leaving the only free chair for his wife, who sat down between the two boys after giving each one of them a kiss on the cheek.

"Morning" Ryan replied, secretly exhaling, thankful for the parents saving him from Seth's excitement.

"Parents! Morning! I was just about to tell Ryan about the girl I met yesterday…."

"Son, do you know what I like most about the Swiss people?"

Startled, Seth turned his head to his father and gave him an offended glance, not used to being interrupted twice a day.

"No, what?" he asked sullenly.

"They usually think before talking and they only open their mouths if it's important, they're very private people" Sandy explained, with a warning look towards his offspring.

"Guys, no arguments on this beautiful morning, please?" Kirsten pleaded, seeing her hope for a peaceful family holiday being destroyed on day one.

The boys nodded and Sandy wordlessly supported his wife by raising his eyebrow at Seth and Ryan as if to say 'you heard you mother'.

The waitress soon appeared and brought more jugs, but Ryan didn't have the courage to even look at her, fearing the parent's reaction. All four of them sat in awkward silence, drinking their coffee and eating "Gipfeli".

Ryan wasn't usually the one to break the silence or to touch the sore point, but they had been tiptoeing around this subject for months now and he had hoped their issues could be settled during this holiday, without being remembered by everything that surrounded them in Cohen casa and without the girlfriends and Newpsies around.

Just when he was about to open his mouth Sandy said:

"Ok guys, your mum and myself we will inspect the slopes today, but we will be back in the afternoon, let's have dinner all together this evening, ok? Maybe everyone will have cooled off by then and we can talk"

Looking around he was satisfied when everyone nodded and he continued:

"Ryan, your skiing instructor will wait for you at the reception at 10 for your first lesson, with all the necessary equipment…"

"I don't think…" Ryan started, trying one last time to convince Sandy and Kirsten that he didn't need a skiing instructor, as he was certain that he would in this life never try skiing, but it only needed a glance from Sandy to shut him up. Maybe it was not the time to upset the parents again.

"Seth, will you be alright all by yourself?" Kirsten then asked, while looking a the boy with the black curls.

"Sure mom, I'll just gonna buckle up my snowboard and sit myself into the snow at the nursery slope, watching Ryan pretending he likes to learn how to ski between all the three and four year olds" Seth grinned happily.

Ryan sent him a glare that meant death, which managed to amuse Seth even more.

"Ok, the day's settled then" Sandy announced, forcefully getting up and holding out his hand to Kirsten.

The boys gave each other a concerned glance, sensing the same uneasiness between the two parents that had been floating through the house since that special incident nobody wanted to speak about. Still, it was all they had on mind, unable to sit down and share their sorrow just now.

When Kirsten and Sandy had left together, Seth and Ryan got up as well and silently walked back to their room, placing each other on the couch without speaking. It was only 8.30 so they still had some time left, but neither of them had the energy to turn on the TV or the playstation, too worried about the current mood of the parents and the depression everyone of the Cohen family had been suffering for a few months now.

"You ok?" Ryan asked Seth with a concerned glance.

He had tried to be there for Seth as good as possible, despite knowing that in fact, he was unable to really help him. Ryan was certain that it was Sandy and Kirsten's responsibility to talk to their son, to tell him that they still loved him, that nothing could destroy their family. But as long as Kirsten and Sandy were struggling themselves to cope with their loss, they could not comfort their son.

"Fine" Seth answered finally, falling back into his mono-syllable mood.

"It's not your fault" Ryan offered for the what seemed hundredth time within the last few months.

Seth just nodded, got up and disappeared in the bedroom, where Ryan could hear him lay down on the bed. Sighing he stood up and followed his best friend, sitting down on the edge of the mattress with his back to the boy.

"They will overcome their sorrow, it just takes time"

"Whatever!"

"Seth, listen to me, this is not about you! You gotta give them time!"

"YOU don't understand!"

Ryan sighed, insulting him had become a nasty habit of Seth and it had taken a while for Ryan to understand, that it was Seth's way to tell him to piss off and leave him alone. But this time he was determined to make his brother feel better. After all, they were on holiday and it was not the time to hide in bed.

"Ok, then explain it to me" he replied through gritted teeth.

Surprised, Seth was at a loss of words at first, before he softly shook his head and whispered:

"Never mind"

"Come on Seth, tell me, what don't I understand?"

His brother stayed silent, ignoring Ryan's insistence, just coiling himself up to a ball and pulling the blanket over the head.

Ryan's patient was definitely coming to an end now. He needed to get Seth out of his depression, keep him stable for the time it took the parents to come clean with their own feelings.

Getting up he reached for the blanket and pulled it off the boy, tossing it to the floor, before shaking Seth roughly:

"So talk to me, make me understand!"

Seth bolted up, a dangerous look on his face, hurt and loneliness obvious in his eyes.

"I'm not enough for my parents!"

Taken aback by the outburst of his best friend Ryan just stared at him, unable to believe what he heard.

Seeing the question marks in Ryan's eyes, Seth shook his head in resignation, placed himself down on the bed and continued with a low voice:

"Why do you think they took you in?"

Ryan's heartbeat stopped for a moment, sweat starting to build on his hands.

"They are disappointed in me, I was not enough for them, they needed a new project, they lost their interest in me. And now they hate me because it was my fault that… you know…."

"Seth, listen to me. It was nobody's fault, such things just happen. This is the worst experience for a woman, for a couple. They love you, I know that."

Ryan's voice was close to trembling, asking himself as to exactly how much truth was behind Seth's words. He had asked himself thousands of times why the Cohen's had adopted him, had actually cared, as nobody he had ever met before would have done the same thing for a troubled kid like him.

But he had never really asked himself how Seth felt about his intrusion to his family, though judging from the way the got along, he always thought they were fine. The Cohen boy often referred himself as brother to him, so he could not understand where this idea of Seth suddenly emerged from.

"I'm sorry Ryan, I didn't mean to upset you…." Seth apologized when he saw the guilty look on his best friend's face.

"No, you're right, I don't know what I am doing here anyway. This is a family holiday and I am clearly not family. You are all better off without me, maybe Kirsten would not have -"

"Don't, just…. don't say it" Seth called, leaving the bedroom in a rush, heading for the exit.

Ryan swallowed slightly, got up and walked silently over to his rucksack, reaching for the coat Kirsten had bought him for this trip. Neglecting the scarf and the gloves she had insisted to bring, he left the room as well, heading downstairs to the reception. He had known that Kirsten blamed him for what had happened, as she had stopped talking directly to him, avoiding his look, leaving the parenting to Sandy. Ryan had hoped that at least Seth and Sandy saw it differently, as they had told him that it was not his fault over and over again. Being proven wrong hurt even more than he had expected.

"Excuse me, could you do me a favour and tell the ski instructor that will arrive here at 10 that the lesson is off?"

"Ok Mr. Atwood, no problem"

"Thanks - I'm leaving the key to the apartment with you, my br - I mean, my roommate will need it when he gets back"

He turned around and nearly collided with the hot waitress from this morning. She grinned at him and said:

"Hey, ready for your skiing lesson?"

Blinking confused it took Ryan a few moments to realise that she was dressed in a ski suit and obviously ready to hit the slopes.

"You're my instructor?"

"Yep, I'm Maya"

"I'm sorry Maya, but… I can't…."

Wrinkling her forehead in concern when she heard his dark voice, not fully hiding his current messed state of mind, she asked softly:

"Ok, no problem, would you like to grab a coffee or anything?"

"Uhm, thanks, another time maybe, I really need some time to think…"

Maya narrowed her eyes slightly but realised, that he was as stubborn as she could be.

"Alright, I'll see you tomorrow at breakfast then, where are you heading?"

"Just…up the hill I guess, to enjoy the view"

"Take the ticket with you in case you want to use any cable car"

Nodding he grabbed for the tiny piece of carton, stuffed it into his coat and quickly passed her, exiting the hotel lobby by stepping outside. A shiver run through his body when the cold hit him. He muttered a breathless "fuck", dig his hands into his pockets and started walking towards the next cable car station.

**A/N: and the drama starts... **


	4. The snow

**Thanks to my beta team, Rainygal, katwoman76 and cheekymice **

**Thanks alsoto everyone who reviewed. My stats and review page is gone, so I hope I won't leave someone out: OClover1, Christina, Ansy Pansy aka Panz, Hiera, KiKiCohen, kokomocalifornia, The Ryan, Leentje and JenJenxx**

**The snow**

After Seth had fled the bedroom he had rushed downstairs, hoping the bar was already open and he would be able to hide there for some time. He hadn't meant to tell Ryan that it was his fault the family was breaking apart, it just was the only explanation he had at the moment. Actually, that was not true, but it was the only explanation which did not involve himself being the one to blame and he was eager to believe that this was the only one possible.

"Hey Seth"

"Hey Stephanie" he mumbled, placing himself on a chair at the bar.

"You're early today"

"Yeah, guess so… Can I have two shots please?" he continued while pointing at the board behind the girl, on which he could read 'Friday's 2 shots for the price of 1'.

"I.. I don't think so Seth, it's 10 am!"

"So why is the bar open if you don't have the guts to serve alcohol to a paying customer?" he hissed, immediately regretting his words when they left his lips.

Shrugging Stephanie ignored his bad behaviour and filled him two jiggers with the hard liquor, before placing them in front of the boy with the black curls.

Seth took the first one, bend his head backwards and emptied it with one gulp. Loudly he then slammed the jigger down on the wooden bar and grabbed for the second glass, emptying it as quickly as the previous one.

"Two more" he croaked afterwards, holding up his ring and middle finger to illustrate that he was serious.

Stephanie knew that it was not her place to judge, but the way she assessed his character, she was sure he was not a notorious or heavy drinker and that something was seriously bothering him.

Reaching for the phone she dialled the number of the reception and asked, whether Maya was in this morning. When she got a negative answer, she asked for the another waitress to join her at the bar.

Seth had in the meantime placed himself once again on a bar stool, his head covered in his arms, the first two shots obviously already kicking in.

When Scarlet appeared in the door frame Stephanie waved her over and wordlessly pointed to the slumped teenager sitting in front of her, before motioning the other waitress to follow her into the nearby kitchen.

"Chänntisch du dich churz um di bar chümmru? Ich cha nu nit la süffu."(_Could you take care of the bar for an hour or so, I can not let him booze his brain out)._

"Kei problem" _(No problem)_

Stephanie returned to the bar and found Seth in action, already filling himself another to jiggers with hard liquor.

"Hey sailor, you might wanna slow down a bit"

"Why should I? It's the best day to get loaded!" Seth was already slurring, the effects of the alcohol consumed clearly displaying.

Stephanie didn't hesitate but grabbed his arm roughly and propelled him towards the one table hidden in the darkest corner of the bar, making him sit down. With a glare she ordered him to stay there, while she went to get two hot, black coffees.

When she returned Seth was still sitting at the same place, his eyes only half open but obviously he had refrained from getting himself another alcoholic drink.

"So, drink this and tell me what's bothering you"

"It's… private…"

"I'm a bartender. I can keep my mouth shut and I'm known to give very good advice. I'm also quite scary, so don't make me ask again!"

Sending her a respectful glance Seth took a sip from the hot coffee before he opened his mouth and said:

"My mum made us go to this family holiday because there is this huge rift between the four of us. You know, my mum has had me when she was in her early twenties and ever since then she had wanted another child. As she has had an abortion before she met my Dad, which we found out after the miscarriage, the doctors told her that it would be hard for her to conceive and deliver another baby…."

Stephanie nodded and motioned the American boy to continue.

"After we adopted Ryan I believed everything was perfect. My parents had another son and I had a brother. But about a year ago my mum got pregnant again. She was over the moon, as was my Dad."

Seth stopped and coughed slightly as his voice started trembling with emotions.

"I was surprised at first, even a little bit jealous of the baby-to-be-born, but after some time I adjusted to the idea and was happy as well."

He stopped once more and took another sip from his coffee, before earnestly looking at Stephanie.

"Ryan is a completely different story… Of course he told us he likes the idea of a baby around. We included him in everything, trying to show him that he still is a part of the family, that he too was getting a sibling. I think it was even harder for him as he believed that he would only mean trouble once the baby was here, that we needed the small space he required in our family for the newborn. As if we ever thought about moving the nursery to the pool-house!" he growled.

"Beg you pardon?"

"Never mind" Seth sighed, trying to re-focus on where he had left of. A shadow crept over Seth's face, his eyes darkening, pain flashing up.

"In the fifth month, Mum lost the baby-girl…"

"I'm so sorry…." the barmaid gasped, covering her mouth with her hand.

"It was hard on all of us, but especially on my mum and Ryan. My mum blamed herself for the miscarriage and started drinking. Ryan has had an alcoholic mother once and of course blamed himself for her turning to the bottle. Also it was hard on her, as his ex-girlfriend had lost a child, which he had accepted as his, by miscarriage a few months earlier."

The boy with the black curls sighed, the sorrow and pain obvious in his face now, the hurt cutting deep into Stephanie's heart.

"Ryan cares a lot about my mum and he hid the fact that she was an alcoholic from us for a few weeks, cleaning and looking after her when she was drunk. I guess they had an argument one, she must have hurt him pretty bad, we are not sure what she said, but they hardly talk to each other anymore."

Stephanie swallowed slightly. She had guessed that Seth was depressed, but had certainly not expected such a story behind the dull eyes of the drunken boy.

"My mum's clean now, but we were walking on eggshells around each other for the past few weeks, nobody dared to really touch the subject, express our own feelings to each other. My Dad suggested a therapist, but wanted to give my mum time to readjust to the family after coming back from rehab."

"What happened today?"

"My Dad… he's more concerned about his relationship with my mum that he seems to forget we're still here. All he does is to throw commands, tells us what to do, but we never had the time to really talk to him about the whole thing. So I once again relied on Ryan today. We have been taking care of each other, although he's more the brooding one, so he never actually told me how he felt and what had happened between himself and my mum, but he helped me stay sane through all these times."

Guiltily looking at the girl next to him, Seth sighed and continued with a cracking voice:

"I hurt him today… I told him he was just a project for my parents…"

Stephanie flinched and sent him a horrified glance, beginning to understand the situation all members of the family were in.

"I'm really sorry, believe me, I didn't mean to say this, I just… it hurts so much to loose my baby sister and my parents at once…"

Stephanie reached out and wordlessly pulled the now sobbing boy into her arms, whispering soothing words to calm him down.

_meanwhile in a café down the street…._

Sandy was desperate. He had always thought that his family was strong, built to survive any drama happening, that's how it was supposed to be, after all, they were living in Newport Beach. Never had he imagined that faith in his marriage could be unsettled, never wanted he to believe that himself and Kirsten could drift away this far.

After she had miscarried and lost their baby girl a few months ago and he had grieved with his family, it still didn't stop bothering him. So he had talked to the doctor, trying to understand how this could have happened and if they had the chance to ever have a baby again.

The visit at the doctor had been one of the weirdest hours he had ever experienced. The fact that Kirsten was not able to carry out another baby was not what threw him off course. But learning, that she had had an abortion a few months before he had met her made him lose his ground completely.

Sandy knew that the only other sexual partner Kirsten ever had before him was Jimmy Cooper. Knowing that if she had not made this grave decision to have an abortion then, they may have never met nor had there been a chance of ever coming together. He could also not understand why she had never told him about it. They were married for over 20 years now and he really thought they shared everything, every little secret, every mistake they had made in their lives.

Realising that the fate of his family depended on the relationship between himself and Kirsten, Sandy was determined to close the rift between them, restore the faith into their marriage and their future together as husband and wife.

When Kirsten drifted into alcoholism Sandy took whatever steps necessary to get her to rehab, to help her overcome her grief over the loss of the baby, the problems between themselves.

Only weeks after Kirsten came back cured, Sandy had to learn the hard way that his family would not get back to normal. During the time he needed to take care of his wife, the boys had been completely on their own, had only had themselves to rely on, to talk to, and obviously they were far from ok.

Sandy had really hoped that during this holidays they would be able to mend the fences, the anger and resignation the boys were feeling and they could start working on becoming family again.

Sitting in a small café vis-à-vis of Kirsten and sipping on his coffee he thought about how to subtle inform his wife of what was going on with the boys, why they were hurting and how he believed they were able to help. He was sure Kirsten had sensed the problems at home, but was keeping herself busy with work in order to not fall back into addiction again, that she did not dig further when the boys avoided her polite questions.

"What the hell is going on Sandy?"

The concerned voice of Kirsten brought him back to reality and he locked eyes with her, searching for any clues as to find out what she was talking about.

"What's wrong with the boys, with our family?" she continued, a stern expression on her face.

"I've let them down… I was so occupied with us, our relationship, that I forgot about the boys, that they also were grieving…. I was not there for them…."

"It's the fault of both of us, Sandy. I just never realised that the loss of a baby could have such an impact on the boys, I mean, the baby was not even born. And with rehab and everything I was too busy to heal myself that I forgot to be a good mother…"

"Kirsten" he gently replied. "It's not the place to bathe in self-criticism. It is time to talk to the boys, respond to their feelings and show them, that we are here for them and that we care…"

Forcefully getting up, Kirsten threw him a glance and told him:

"What are we waiting for then?"

Sandy stunned observed how his wife got the check, paid and walked to the exit, waiting for him to follow. He offered her a small smile and kissed her gently before he whispered:

"Welcome back honey!"

_back at the hotel_

Stephanie was still holding Seth close, comforting him, when they were interrupted by sudden vibrations from the floor, followed by the shaking of the ceiling lamp over their heads, glasses shattering at the bar.

The two young people bolted up from their seats, threw scared looks around and reached for the next stable stack close to them, gripping into the wooden material, trying to steady themselves.

"Earthquake?" Seth asked panicked.

"I doubt so, probably an avalanche, quite a large one…" Stephanie answered, fear audible in her voice.

"Let's get upstairs, it's safer!"

Halfway up the stairs the vibrations stopped and they quickly run fully upwards to join the other scared guests in the lobby. Searching for any familiar faces Seth called his Dad's name when he spotted him near the reception, holding Kirsten close to his body.

"Seth! Thank God you're alright!" Kirsten screamed when she reached the shaking boy, pulling him into his arms.

"What is going on mum?"

"An avalanche, quite near the village, therefore the vibrations" Kirsten explained, forcing her voice to sound smooth and calm.

"I thought you were out there snowboarding!" Sandy exclaimed, relieved that his son had changed plans this morning.

Looking around, Kirsten realised that someone was missing.

"Where is Ryan?"


	5. The Dark

**Discl. I don't own anything**

**Thanks to Rainygal, katwoman76 and cheekymice for the support, as well as princessraron for the update on the Swiss Dialects ;-)**

**Thank yous also go to princesssparkle88, JenJenxx, Hiera, beachtree, Nels6354, Sharkie2008, The Ryan, Rainygal (again), Ansy Pansy aka Panz and kokomocalifornia for the reviews!**

**The dark**

The dull pain in his head pulled Ryan back into consciousness, forcing him to take a deep breath through gritted teeth while his brain was working on an explanation for the cold he felt and the pain that seemed to be coming from every bone in his aching body.

Opening his eyes only seemed to make things worse, as he was unable to see anything else than darkness. His heartbeat stopped for a second when the idea of complete amaurosis crossed his mind and panic rushed through his body.

Calming himself down by taking several more deep breaths he tried to get up on his elbows. Struggling for a few moments he was soon to realise that the heavy load on his chest made it impossible for him to move even slightly from where he was.

Comprehending that he could not get up without help he touched his head and detected traces of a liquid substance. Guessing he had hit his head and that it was blood on his fingers he at least had an explanation as to where the headache was coming from.

He twisted his mind, trying to remember what day it was and what he had been doing earlier, but everything seemed blurry in his memory. A sharp pain suddenly shot through his right leg and he gasped, trying to breath through the pain as the doctors had told him way back at the age of 6 when he had been suffering from a broken arm.

The pain finally ceased and assured from the resurfacing memory from his childhood, Ryan went on with his quest of bringing back the events of the day. He soon was to realise that he did not remember one single thing and panic filled his system again when he tried to recall such little details as his name.

"Goddammit!"

His voice sounded muffled, as if he was in a small room, coated with isolation material. Ryan moved his hands up to the heavy load on his chest and flinched when it was cold and… wet.

Groping his way down his body and with his fingertips inspecting the surroundings of the place he was lying his mind finally clicked and identified the masses around him as snow. His fingers hurt from the cold and he could feel himself tens up from the ice enclosing his body.

"HELP!"

Listening to his own echo Ryan knew that if he was icebound nobody would hear him or be able to detect his position. On the other hand, he had no clue as to where exactly he was and why he was here, doubled with the loss of his memory he was clueless as to if there was even anybody looking for him.

Relaxing and taking a few more breaths he again let his mind wander and was happy when suddenly small memory traces appeared. A school, named 'hills' something, a bike leaning against an old, rusty fence, a picture of a plastic horse in a fancy looking room, a blond woman and a male in his early twenties in a jumpsuit and finally a boy in a grey hoody sweater, being handcuffed and arrested by the police.

More confused than relieved Ryan tried to slightly shake his head, forcing his brain to recall more information, hoping for some names, places or any hint on where he lived or where he was right now, but only the previous scraps re-appeared.

Deeply inhaling air through his teeth which had started to chatter he panicked slightly when realising, that he was now breathing frantically, gasping for oxygen in the small room around his head.

Forcing himself to steady his breathing as he knew that he was short of air, it took him just a couple of minutes to realise that he had only a few moments left before he was going to lose consciousness and almost certainly… die.

A last picture appeared in his mind's eye and calmness and peacefulness floated through his heart at the sight of the blond woman, the dark haired man and the curly haired boy, before his brain blanked out.

* * *

_meanwhile at the hotel_

Seth burst loudly into his and Ryan's apartment, immediately calling for his brother:

"Ryan, buddy, are you here?"

When he didn't get an answer the Jewish boy ran nervous through all the rooms, inspecting every dark corner to see if Ryan was sitting anywhere, ignoring him after their fight shortly before. Seth soon realised that his brother was not it inside the apartment, so he made his way out of the room and returned to his parents, telling them out of breath:

"He's not upstairs"

"But he cancelled his skiing lesson, as the woman at the reception told us, so where could he be?"

"We gotta find him Sandy!" Kirsten exclaimed panicked, gripping her husband's arm vigorously.

"Calm down Kirsten, we don't even know if he was out there. Let's be rational, how does Ryan think?

"He most definitely would not have taken the cable car, heights and stuff, also he would try not to spend any money of yours, he was complaining more than once about the fact that you did not accept his offer of paying for his part of the trip"

The parents nodded, recognising Ryan's way of thinking in Seth's words.

"Do you know why he cancelled the skiing lesson Seth?" Kirsten asked, calming herself down by banning any possible horror scenarios from her mind.

Seth turned red and let his head hang low, suddenly more interested in his shoe laces than in the worried faces of his parents.

"We had a fight" he finally muttered in a low voice, still inspecting the floor.

"About what?"

"The whole situation…"

"What happened?"

"I… I kinda… somehow told him… that he was… only a… project for you"

"Seth Ezekiel!" Kirsten cried in disgust, reaching out to Seth's chin and pulling his head up to make him look at her.

"What were you thinking?"

"I was not! I haven't been thinking straight for ages! You left us, both of you, left us to ourselves! I don't know what happened this morning, but I guess I tried to piss him off so that you would finally see that there is something wrong, that you would talk to us!"

Kirsten covered her mouth with her hand, her eyes wide open, hurt and guilt visible on her face. Sandy was still looking at Seth, but his face was not stern anymore, just worried, guilty and also sad, realising that they had let their sons down the past few months. He just hoped that the damage was not beyond repair.

Kirsten took a deep breath and answered with a soft voice:

"Ok, we'll have to discuss this later, we must first find Ryan. Maybe he has gone for a walk? Clear his mind?"

"Let's ask the receptionist, maybe she knows which direction he took" Sandy reasoned, already marching up to the counter surrounded by dozens of people.

It took him five minutes of fighting his way through the crowd until he finally got hold of the lady at the desk and asked:

"M'am, could you help me. You informed us that our son, Ryan Atwood, did cancel his skiing lesson. Do you know where he wanted to go?"

"I'm afraid he did not tell me Sir, but I saw his skiing instructor give him his ticket. Usually there is an electronic item attached to it in order to find people missing in avalanches. If he has been somewhere near the place where the snow came down, the search party will receive his signal. So probably it would be best if you just wait here for any news" she explained in a stressed, but still polite voice.

"Thanks" Sandy nodded appreciative and walked back to his son and his wife, sitting in a corner of the lobby, their faces pale and tired.

"He has his ticket with him, which is equipped with an electronic device that sends signals in case of an emergency."

Seth and Kirsten nodded, silently thanking God for the standard precautions installed and working in Switzerland.

"She suggested for us to stay here and wait for any news, but I think someone should head to the hospital to be present in case he gets taken there"

When Kirsten gasped loudly Sandy comfortingly placed his hand around her shoulder, calming her down.

"I don't want to scare you, but I still think we should cover all ground. So I suggest you two stay here and I'll drive over to the hospital, alright?"

Forcefully getting up Kirsten shook her head vigorously and responded with a strong voice:

"No Sandy, Seth will be staying here and I'll head to the hospital with you. He's still a kid, he will need his… me there"

Sandy was surprised about the determined undertone in his wife's voice but could not agree to her suggestion that easily. After the statement of Seth, confessing, that both boys had felt abandoned by himself and Kirsten, he was not willing to let his son wait for any news on his brother all by himself.

"We can't leave Seth behind" he calmly stated, looking at his family in earnest.

Kirsten shot him a surprised glance but Sandy could see that she understood.

"Maybe I could stay with Seth? My best friend is also still missing and I'd be glad about some company…" Stephanie softly interrupted the family discussion.

Turning around Kirsten and Sandy glanced surprised at the unknown girl, waiting for Seth to react.

"Mum, Dad, this is Stephanie."

"Hey" Kirsten and Sandy replied politely but still with impatience in their voices.

"It's ok, I'll stay here with her, we've been to enough hospitals lately. And this way I'll be the first one to welcome back Ryan…" Seth told his parents with as much belief in his voice as he could gather.

Sandy hugged Seth, softly patting his shoulder, silently promising himself that they would sit down together and sort out this whole mess once Ryan was back alive and kicking.

Kirsten pulled Seth close, quickly rubbing his back before whispering:

"I love you Seth"

Seth offered a small smile but did not response, not wanting to fall back into the routine of pretending they had been stuck in for the last few months. He watched his parents walking through the lobby and disappearing into the parking garage.

Noticing Stephanie placing herself on a couch in the lobby he joined her wordlessly, putting his arm comfortingly around her shoulder, knowing that they could at least share their anxiety with each other.

* * *

_at the hospital_

Iciness. Pain. Annoyance.

A soft beep was the first thing Ryan registered when his mind started floating back to reality, searching its way to consciousness.

His whole body still hurt, his head feeling as if it was about to explode, but obviously he was still alive. If just that stupid irritating sound would stop!

The annoyance grew with every beep and with the anger he felt building inside of him he managed to open his eyes slowly, blinking at the glaring light. A white ceiling. So far it did not ring any bells.

Closing his eyes and inhaling deeply he tried again, his eyelids fluttering open for another look around. This time he inspected the room slowly, softly lifting up his head which resulted in a stabbing pain in his skull, making him feel like he had been hit by a hammer. Or maybe a horse. Instantly Ryan's brain came up with the picture of the plastic horse he had recalled at… wherever he had been then. He must have been moved, he figured.

Gathering all the power he had left, Ryan slightly lifted up his hand, detecting a needle with a tube which led to the infusion bag hanging next to his bed.

Bed. Infusion. Needles. Hospital!

Relieved over his ability to finally catch on to the conclusions he let himself fall back onto the mattress again, sighing exhausted.

Although he was covered up with several blankets and the room had been heated, he still felt the iciness of the snow deep in his body, his bones, making him shudder. His brain was not working on high speed, but there wasn't much to think about anyway. Ryan could not recall any names, places, people or facts other than the ones he had remembered in the snow. Panic started raising up again, the feeling of loneliness and hopelessness creeping into his system.

The beeping sound that had annoyed him started to increase and it took only a few seconds before a nurse rushed through the door, talking to him in a calm voice:

"Schnufa, das isch a panick attacke, eifach tüüf schnufa!"

The weird language did nothing to calm him down, though. He again gathered all the strength left in his beaten body and tried to rip off the oxygen mask she was pulling over his face, croaking with a hoarse voice:

"Where am I?"

"You're at the hospital honey. Now do me a favour and breathe for me, will you? You're having a panic attack. I want you to take deep breaths; the oxygen mask is there to support you, ok?"

Her calm and soothing voice had the required effect on Ryan. He steadied his breathing and tried to concentrate on in- and exhaling while closing his eyes. Instantly he drifted back to sleep.

The nurse sighed, took his pulse and blood pressure, then gently placed her hand on his forehead to check for fever, before tenderly stroking over his hair, whispering:

"Take it easy kid, you've survived hell. If we could just find out who you are?"

Checking his infusion she gave him another quick glance before she left room no. 22 to take care of her other patients.

* * *

Sarah had been watching the desperate couple from her place behind the reception desk of the ER since her shift had started and with every minute that passed without any news on their missed family member she felt worse, feeling the urge to do something.

"They must have found him by now!" Kirsten screamed, close to tears as she was pacing the hospital hallway.

"Calm down honey, they're doing what the can. Maybe you should go back and get some sleep, I'll wait here for any news." Sandy softly told her, trying not to lose his patience, being as tired and exhausted as his wife looked.

They had been at the hospital for over 15 hours now and still no sign of Ryan. Seth had called them on the cell phone every 15 minutes but he could never report any better news.

A nurse exited room no. 22 and gave Sandy and Kirsten a sympathetic glance and an encouraging smile before entering another room.

It was quiet at the moment, as it was 3 am and nearly all the patients were asleep. The avalanche had left about two dozen injured people which had been fled to the different hospitals in the region. Only the people in the worst state had been taken to this hospital, as it had been the closest to the tragedy.

Sarah decided to take her break, redirecting the station phone line to her cell phone before walking to the cantina where she got three coffees with which she wandered over to the lonely couple.

"Hey"

"Hey" Sandy replied politely but his eyes gave away his tiredness and the hopelessness he was feeling.

"Fancy a coffee?"

Nodding and flashing her a grateful smile, Sandy took the two offered cups with the hot, black liquid and handed one to Kirsten who took it with a sigh and a thankful nod to the receptionist, placing herself down on the chair again.

"I'm Sarah"

"Sandy and Kirsten Cohen"

"Nice to meet you"

She did not expect a reply but took a sip of her coffee instead, watching as Sandy softly rubbed his wife's back before pulling her near, letting her rest her head on his shoulder.

"May I ask who you are looking for?"

"Our son" Kirsten answered with a breaking voice.

Sarah nodded sympathetically before carefully telling them:

"I don't mean to be rude, but you two look tired, you should get some sleep. The search has been stopped two hours ago after all signal devices have been found. If you come back tomorrow I could help you check with the hospitals for any news on your son?"

Neither of them responded, both just sitting there, staring at a spot on the floor, obviously not willing to give up yet.

Sarah sighed and got up, turning around to leave before looking back and telling them:

"Call me if you need anything, ok?"

Not waiting for an answer she returned to her desk, placing herself in front of the PC, before glancing back to the silent couple. She wished she could help them somehow, but at the moment there was nothing more she could do.

**Feedback? Pretty please?**


	6. The Confusion

Discl. I don't own anything related to the O.C.

Thanks to beachtree for all the advice and suggestion on this chapter. And of course thank you to Rainygal my fabulous beta for grammar and spelling!

Thank you to Ally, Aiden Burn, kokomocalifornia, Ansy Pansy aka Panz, Nels6354, Rainygal JenJenxx, Leentje and ryan91 for the wonderful feedback. Special thanks to The Ryan, your feedback was partially responsible for deleting the first draft of this chapter and re-write it, hope you like this one better!

* * *

**The confusion**

"Seth?" – "Seth!"

Faintly registering in his sleep that his name was being called, Seth opted to ignore the urging voice and tried to turn onto his other side in order to avoid being called again. The next thing he felt was the pain as his head hit the floor.

"Ouch!"

"Oh my God Seth, are you alright?"

Rubbing his aching head Seth got off the floor and placed himself on the couch again, glancing up to a worried Stephanie who was standing next to him.

"I'm fine"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen" she tiredly apologized while plopping down on the couch, covering her face with her hands.

"Any news?"

"Not yet… but I doubt I would be informed, they will call her parents and I don't have their phone number… So I thought I could drive over to the hospital, ask personally, if you want to accompany me."

"But I gotta wait here for Ryan…"

"Honestly Seth? It's 6 am. I doubt he will turn up here… I mean, if he has not been hurt, he definitely would have come here by now to check on you and your parents, right?"

Nodding, Seth knew that she was right, his mind had come up with the same conclusion some hours ago, but he had not been willing to accept it then.

He got up and made his way towards the receptionist, still rubbing his aching skull.

"Good morning" the lady behind the desk said when she saw him, offering him a sympathetic glance.

"Morning"

"Uhm… we're gonna head over to the hospital, this is my cell phone number. Could you inform us in case of any news on either Ryan Atwood or Maya Gerber?"

"Sure, no problem. I'll call immediately"

"Thanks"

Walking back to Stephanie he quickly inspected her before smirking:

"I think we should get changed first, don't take this the wrong way, after all - you're a lady, but you look awful…"

Looking down at herself Stephanie smiled embarrassed at the wrinkled clothes and nodded, answering:

"We'll meet down here in 20 mins, ok?"

"kay"

Seth took the elevator upstairs, too tired to climb all the stairs to the third floor. After entering the apartment the first thing he noticed was Ryan's still unpacked bag along with his favourite book about architecture on top. Picking it up Seth slowly skimmed through the pages full of technical details, smiling at the unsteady handwriting of his brother, commenting on the most interesting passages.

Seth sighed heavily and let himself fall into a chair, covering his face in his hands when the fear and uncertainty on the whereabouts of Ryan began to make him choke. He knew he had to be strong, that breaking down didn't help anyone right now, but he was so scared that Ryan might be out there, hurting and freezing to death, while all he was doing was waiting and hoping. He should be out there searching for his brother goddammit!

The exhaustion of the sleepless night and the suspense of not knowing what was going on had used up the last energy of Seth and he could not prevent the tears from filling his eyes. Why had he yelled at Ryan? Why hadn't he been able to for once be reasonable and confront his parents about their problems instead of again hurting and blaming his best friend, his brother, the one person that had been taking care of him ever since he met him?

Seth had pointedly told Ryan that he was a project to his parents, knowing that his was the trigger to let the simmering situation finally explode, giving his parents a broad hint as to how they were feeling, forcing them to realise what was going on in their family.

Family… Seth knew that he had never trusted or respected anyone as he trusted and confided in Ryan, feeling strong when they were together, ready to conquer the world. Ryan had never let him down, always sticking around to have his back or to help him clean up after another mess he had directed himself into.

"Hey…"

Startled Seth turned his head and watched Stephanie slowly enter the room through the open door, placing herself next to him, comfortingly stroking his back.

"You ok?"

Wiping away the tears which had been streaming down his face Seth nodded embarrassed before he got up and told her:

"I… I'll be right out, let me change first"

Stephanie did not reply but watched him disappearing into the bedroom with a sympathetic glance, knowing exactly how he felt.

"I'll be downstairs, ok?"

She didn't wait for his answer but walked to the elevator and pressed the button, also wiping away the persistent tears which kept filling her eyes at the thought of her missing best friend.

* * *

Ryan felt like floating. Or flying. He wasn't able to think clearly after all the medication he had been given over the last few hours. But something was different. The annoying beeping sound was back and increasing rapidly as he faintly registered. He welcomed the black that was spreading in his hurting head. 

The next time he woke up he heard alarmed voices filling the room and he could feel hands on his stomach, probing and poking him, but he was far too tired to fight them.

"Kid? Open your eyes! Can you hear me?"

Ryan tried hard to obey, but somehow it seemed as if his eyelids were not following his rules anymore, neglecting the orders his brain submitted.

"Kid, stay with us, I know you're tired but you gotta help me here a bit!" the voice urged and he felt his eyes being opened, a bright light blinding him and he again welcomed the black as he blanked out, his head including oxygen mask falling to the side.

"Ok, that's it. I don't like that I can't keep him awake but at least he's stabilized for the transfer, the helicopter is ready, so let's go" the responsible doctor advised his staff before nodding to the two paramedics who were to accompany the boy. He never left the bed on the way to the helicopter landing place, knowing that he needed to do everything he could to keep this boy stable. Hell, he had been on duty for 13 hours now and hadn't lost anyone so far, he was not going to let this kid ruin his day's statistic.

Not to mention that the avalanche had not yet caused any death and he was desperate to keep it that way, this hospital couldn't need any more damage to its reputation, too much had been going on lately with personnel cuts and malpractice investigations. Tiredly wiping the sweat off his forehead Dr. Scherzinger patted the teenager's shoulder when the paramedics took over and slid the gurney Ryan was now laying on into the helicopter, before closing the door behind them.

Ryan was stable the whole 10 minutes the flight took to arrive at the canton's hospital, landing on the roof where the ICU staff was already waiting. They pushed him out of the flying ambulance and rolled him into the building while getting him ready for a ct scan.

Ryan was freezing when he re-gained consciousness, his entire body felt sore and he had no clue where he was. Listening to the sound around him he didn't dare opening his eyes, feeling to tired to think about the reason why even more noise had been added to the beeping sound from earlier.

"Kid? Can you hear me?"

Ryan sighed inwardly. Could they never leave him alone? He had been trying to answer their questions, move when they had demanded, but his body was somehow disconnected to his brain, he wasn't able to gain control over any of his usual neuromuscular abilities.

He felt a gentle hand on his forehead, checking for fever he guessed, although he never really understood why the checking by thermometer never seemed to be enough for female nurses. Still, the gesture felt good and he wondered, if his mother had ever been that caring when he used to be sick as a child.

"Sweetheart, I don't know if you can hear me, but while I do the check-up, I will update you on your current status, ok? As you have not been awake, I doubt you are aware that you have been moved to a different hospital. The small local clinic was not able to provide the necessary equipment to monitor all your vital signs and therefore it was decided to bring you here, where in case of an emergency, immediate surgery can be performed."

Ryan's head was spinning, trying to absorb the information received by the nurse. A different hospital? Immediate surgery? _Terrific prospects there, buddy._

When she pressed lightly onto his stomach a whimper escaped his lips as the pain became unbearable.

"That hurts, huh? I will give you something against the pain. As soon as the results from the ct scan are back we know more, so don't worry, you're in good hands."

The check-up continued and Ryan felt himself getting sleepy, the voice of the nurse fading in the back of his head as he spaced out again.

* * *

_at the hospital in Klosters_

Entering the clinic together Stephanie led Seth right to the receptionist, motioning him to follow her.

"Güetun Tag, chänntit ier mier üskunft gä uber iglifruti notfäll iner nechi vam lawinuabgang?"

„Sueched sie verwandti?"

„Uhm.. also är süächt schine Brüäder und ich will nur wissu, ob mini freundin da isch, will ich nix va ihra kehrt ha."

„Eigentlich dörf ich jo kei uskunft geh…"

Listening to the two women speaking in this foreign language made Seth realise how lucky he was to have Stephanie with him. He had expected the hotel staff to speak English but was at a total loss about the language abilities of the hospital employees.

Softly nudging Stephanie when he saw her forehead winkling he whispered concerned:

"What's going on?"

Gesturing him with an irritated hand move to shut up he stepped back with a startled expression, but did as he was told.

"Chänntit ier nit emal en üsnahm machu?"

„Wiä heisst denn sin Brüäder und ihri Fründin?"

„Mini freundin heisst Maya Gerber." Stephanie started before turning around to the dark haired teenager and asked:

"Seth, she wants to know the name of your brother, he's not called Cohen, is he?"

Softly shaking his head Seth answered:

"His name is Ryan Atwood… Actually my parents should be here somewhere, looking for him too."

Sarah inspected Seth closely before answering:

"Your parents are in the cantina, if you want to join them. But listen… this is not the best place to get the latest information on the missing persons. Usually it's better to first contact the headquarter of the search party."

She started searching through the different files on her desk when the one without a name caught her attention. Opening the file she felt the urge to hit herself, when she was finally able to connect the dots and realised what had been openly lying in front of her eyes for hours. The American couple looking for their son. The critical patient they had no information about.

Glancing up to the two tired people staring expectantly at her Sarah felt torn. She was not allowed to give out information on a patient to anyone than his doctor and immediate family, which was not easy to be proven here, given that they had no name or anything of the patient. And although she was pretty sure that she had actually found the patient's family, risking her job for it was not an easy step. What if she was wrong? Falsely interpreting the facts just because she really wanted to help? Data protection was very important and she didn't want to get into hot water.

Sarah checked the file again and saw, that the patient was rated critical and had been moved to the canton's hospital for a ct scan. Knowing that surgery was likely required she realised that she was the only chance the family had to find their son before the procedure had to take place.

Turning to the girl Sarah explained:

"Also lueged – is it ok if I speak English?"

Nodding Stephanie threw Seth a hopeful glance, sensing that Sarah had actually found something on the system that would help them.

"Your friend is here, she's already off the intensive care unit, so you can go see her, it's room no.54" Sarah explained, before turning to Seth:

"I might be on to something here concerning your brother. Problem is that I'm not allowed to give you any information, but maybe I can persuade Dr. Scherzinger to help you, I'm going to call him down, could you please find your parents and bring them here?"

Seeing the face of the teenage boy lightening up she felt bad for holding back the important information on the boy's status, but she had been in enough trouble lately and could not risk another reprehension.

"Viele Dank" Stephanie answered with a thankful nod, before grabbing Seth's arm and carefully leading him to the elevator.

Stephanie quickly explained that she needed to see her friend but gave Seth her cell phone number in case they needed assistance. After saying good bye and good luck Seth headed to the cafeteria where he found Sandy and Kirsten, both looking tired and worn out, sipping coffee with stony faces. Kirsten's face lit up when she recognised Seth and she blurted out:

"Seth! Any news?"

"Yes Mom… The receptionist believes she found something, but she's not allowed to tell us. She's calling for a doctor, he might be able to give us information about Ryan, so come on!" Seth urged, wildly gesturing for the parents to following him.

A sign of relief crossed the exhausted faces of the two adults before they jumped up and followed Seth downstairs to the reception desk, hoping that they would finally gain clarity over the whereabouts of Ryan.

* * *

Dr. Scherzinger was already waiting for them. Shaking hands Sandy introduced his family, before taking place on the sofa in the doctor's office he had led them to. 

"Our receptionist, Sarah, has informed me that you are looking for your son?"

"That's right, he was out there somewhere when the avalanche hit and we haven't heard anything from him yet."

Picking up the file Dr. Scherzinger told the family:

"You must understand that we have very strict data protection regulations, that is why we are usually not allowed to give out any information on unidentified persons, except to the search party, they receive the data of all patients. Now, we do have a patient who we believe could be your son. But for definite proof I must ask you to show me a picture."

Exchanging startled looks before shaking their heads the three Cohen's guilty admitted that none of them was carrying a photo of Ryan.

"Ooookeeeeey…." the doctor stretched.

Before any of the parents could say anything Seth took over, rambling:

"He's 18 years old, has dark blonde hair, is about…. uhm 5.9 inches tall, has piercing blue eyes and loves to not talk. Oh, and he gets pissed like hell when being touched!"

"Seth!" Kirsten scolded, throwing her son a mild glare, knowing that they were all on edge.

"It's ok Mrs. Cohen."

Dr. Scherzinger again consulted the file before sighing and deciding to risk it. Presenting the file to the worried family he asked:

"Does this look familiar?"

A picture was attached to the file and although the Polaroid showed a pale and bruised face they immediately recognised Ryan, jumping off their chairs in relief.

"That's him! Oh my God! That's Ryan!" Kirsten cried, tears filling her eyes and she happily hugged her husband.

"How is Ryan?" Sandy questioned immediately when the first relief was absorbed, not liking the expression on the doctors face.

"I'm sorry, but Ryan is not with us anymore."

When the small family gasped simultaneously Dr. Scherzinger realised that his choice of words could've been better and he hurried to explain:

"I mean, he's not at _this_ hospital anymore. He has been moved to the canton's hospital. We were worried about his swollen abdomen, he was pressure-sensitive which led us to believe that he suffers from internal bleeding. Unfortunately we are not able to perform ct scans at our hospital, therefore it was decided to move him to Chur for a better check-up. I think it's best if you go there quickly. He was stable when we moved him, but he might need surgery and I think it would be good if you were present."

Glaring at him with a dangerous expression Sandy refrained from loading all his anger on the doctor for keeping this information from them although they had been waiting at the hospital for hours. Taking a deep breath Sandy decided to first make sure they got to Ryan.

"Where is this hospital?" he asked, trying hard to keep his voice under control.

"In Chur, approx. 45 minutes by car" Dr. Scherzinger quickly informed them, knowing that for the family this would probably be the longest 45 minutes of their lives.

"Ok, we'll take a taxi, I want the hospital informed that we are coming and I want an update on my cell phone in case of any change of his status, ok?"

"Sure, I'll do the necessary, I'm really sorry for the confusion - bureaucracy… Good luck…" Dr. Scherzinger hurried to tell them before they rushed out of his office, leaving the clinic and climbing into the waiting taxi, hoping that they would make it to the hospital in time.

**A/N: Feedback makes me happy people, and when I'm happy I write faster... hee **


	7. The Worrying

Discl. I don't own anything

Thanks to my fabulous beta Rainygal, you're a star! Also thank you for the always lovely reviews to: Owlviennagreen, kokomocalifornia, Rainygal, glamour killer, Hiera, The Ryan, OClover1, muchtvs, Becca, Ansy Pansy aka Panz, Leentje and JenJenxx.

* * *

**  
The worrying**

When Ryan woke up the next time he was too tired to open his eyes, but he sensed that he was alone in the room. Relieved he noticed that the pain in his stomach had faded but he could feel a migraine building. A gasp escaped his lips when another flashback hit him out of the blue.

A car in a dark alley, the faint sound of sirens. Ryan saw himself getting into the car, recognising the driver as the one he had previously seen in the jumpsuit.

'I'm your big brother. If I don't teach you this, who will?' - _Brother_?

The scenery changed and Ryan found himself staring at the wall in a small cell, sealed with metal bars, accompanied by a grim looking fellow, the guy from before nowhere to be seen. He didn't have enough time to speculate as to why he had possibly landed in jail when another scene appeared in his mind's eye.

The vision was so intense that he could nearly feel the dust of the ground where he was lying, the air was hot and the smell of burning wood looped around him. A police car appeared and he experienced himself being arrested once more, now in front of a mansion. Confused he realised that the family sternly staring at him seemed oddly familiar.

_Was he a criminal? A con on the run maybe? Was this the reason he was in an obvious foreign country? _

As quickly as the flashback had started it was over - leaving the helpless boy startled, feeling drained and even more worried. He realised that his heartbeat had quickened and that a few of the devices around him seemed to increase the noise level as if to join his quickly beating heart.

Feet suddenly shuffled nervously over the floor and he knew that something was wrong. The pain in his head had intensified and nausea hit him with full force. Incapable of turning himself onto the side he at least tilted his head to the right when he felt the liquids rushing up his throat.

"Er erbricht, legged ihn uf'd site!"

"Mir chönd nüme länger uf'd Familie warte, er muäss sofort operiert werde!"

"Ryan, can you hear me?"

_Ryan? Who the hell was Ryan?_

A sharp pain shot through his stomach and he choked, instinctively rolling himself into a ball, pressing his hands onto his hurting belly.

He felt something being ripped out of his arm as a reaction to his movements but he didn't care, the abdominal pain was too intense.

"No Ryan! Calm down" another voice shrieked and he felt two strong arms pulling his hands away from his hurting stomach.

"Gebed ihm öpis zur beruhigig, mir chönd so nöd schaffe!"

An oxygen mask was once again forced over his mouth and a new needle was rammed into his arm. Trying to regain some power over his own body Ryan struggled to push himself free from all the arms that were holding him down.

"Ryan! You need to calm down or you will hurt yourself!" suddenly a voice close to his ear demanded, startling him with its presence.

Ryan stopped, trusting the voice, connecting it with the gentle hand from before, accepting whatever they wanted to do with him. It took only a few moments before the pain faded and he could breathe normally again, relaxing his tense body.

"Don't worry, everything's going to be fine"

_They were fucking kidding!_ How could he not be worried, after waking up in a hospital, in an obviously foreign country, in more pain than he had ever been, not remembering his name nor if he had family or anyone who was looking for him?

"Your parents are on their way, but we can not wait for them to arrive, you need to have surgery, do you understand?"

_Surgery? …. Family? ….. Fuck wait, surgery!_

He wanted to protest, telling them that everything was fine and that all the pain would go away in time, but the fear and pain caused another wave of nausea rushing over him and he vomited once again, gasping for breath afterwards.

"Everything's gonna be ok Ryan, when you wake up after surgery, your family will be here with you" the female voice soothed, gently stroking his hair.

His eyelids were again opened and a blinding light appeared. Stars started dancing in front of his view, blurring his vision, blood rushing to his ears.

"Ryan, try to stay with us. You will be able to sleep soon."

Ryan felt the bed under him moving, a fresh breeze of air hit his face, causing a shudder as a chill went down his spin. He still hadn't been able to open his eyes by himself, he was just relying on the voices he heard and hoping that they knew what they were doing.

"Ryan, I am your anaesthetist" a different voice announced once the bed had stopped moving.

"You will fall asleep in a few moments, don't worry, we are taking good care of you, everything's going to be fine."

He wanted to nod but did not find the strength when the anaesthesia kicked in, and while wondering what family the voices were talking about and why this family hadn't been there earlier when he had woken up, he blacked out.

* * *

It was quiet in the taxi, nobody dared to speak, fearing that they might miss the call they were hoping not to receive.

Seth nervously played with his fingers, trying very hard to keep his temper under control, desperately wanting to release all the anger and frustration he was feeling towards his parents. Why had they never even thought about contacting the search party? They could have found Ryan hours earlier, would have been able to support him, show him that they cared.

He felt guilty for never bringing it up, for confiding in his parents to know best although they had repeatedly proven over the last few months that they were as shaken and traumatised as he himself.

Throwing a quick glance over to his parents his face softened, realising that he couldn't tell them anything they didn't already know. Guilt, anxiety and worry were written all over their faces. He didn't need to state the obvious; they were already hurting from their own decisions.

_Maybe I should call Summer? Marissa probably wants to know what's going on_.

The thought disappeared as fast as it had popped up in his mind. He guessed there was plenty of time for calling them, first he needed to make sure for himself that his brother was ok, needed to quiet his mind before he was able to think about the next steps. He imagined Ryan lying in a hospital bed, waiting for surgery, people speaking in a foreign language around him, not understanding why his family was not with him. The family that had always promised to never leave him alone, promised that he was a part of them now.

"What are we going to tell him?" Seth suddenly blurted out, startling his parents who were lost in their own thoughts.

"What do you mean honey?" Kirsten asked gently.

"He will never forgive us. Waking up all by himself, after all the precious talk of Dad, making him believe that we care, that he is a part of our family. You know that he will pull back, don't you?"

Sandy and Kirsten exchanged a glance, knowing that Seth was only stating the obvious and that they were afraid of exactly the same. And although Kirsten had been in her own world for quite some time, grieving and mourning over the loss of her child, she seemed to be falling back into the role as mother of her two sons. Sensing the tension and hidden anxiety of Seth all she did was slowly turning around and tenderly pulling him into her arms, soothing:

"It's ok to be scared Seth. We're scared too…"

The teenager wanted to protest, to pull away, not to let his mother actually see his vulnerability. But the situation reminded him to better times, to his childhood, when his Mum had recognised when he was feeling down, when she had known how to read him and make him feel better. He snuggled up to Kirsten's shoulder, enjoying the sensation of closeness, protection and understanding she was beaming down. The guilt returned with full force when a picture of Ryan popped up in his head and he realised, that Ryan had never had that kind of feeling in his childhood and that now with his new family, the same mistakes were made all over again.

But for this little moment, Seth needed to be egoistic, needed his mother's comfort to stay sane, all while wishing to be a kid again, to be able to rely on his parents, trusting them to take care of everything, trusting them to do the right thing to make himself, his brother and the entire family whole again.

They were 10 mins from Chur when Sandy's cell phone started ringing, causing all passengers to wince. Kirsten grabbed for Sandy's shoulder and squeezed it, encouraging him to pick up.

"Cohen?"

"Mr. Cohen, this is KS Chur. We need to inform you that we could not hold off surgery any longer. Your son is on his way to the operating room. We expect the procedure to take approx. 2 hours. Please ask for Dr. Lang when you arrive."

"Ok" was all Sandy could choke out before closing his eyes in an act of defence, not able to meet the scared faces of his son and his wife.

"Dad?"

Sandy felt his eyes filling with tears so he inhaled deeply, trying to regain his posture, knowing that he was the adult, that Kirsten and Seth needed him to be strong. He just wasn't sure if he could bear with this any longer. After all the pain of losing a child now knowing that his other child was in hospital, requiring surgery and that they had not been able to show him their support, letting him know that they were there, was ripping his heart apart.

"He's in surgery now…"

Sandy didn't need to say more. Nobody spoke until they reached the hospital where they hurried to get out, paid the taxi driver before rushing into the ER, asking the receptionist for Dr. Lang.

It took only a moment for the doctor to arrive as he had already been waiting for them. After a quick introduction he led them to the third floor, directing them into a small waiting room, asking them to take a seat before closing the door behind himself and facing the scared family with a worried look in his eyes.

Sitting down himself Dr. Lang was just about to tell them what was going on when his pager went off. Taking a quick look at it he bolted up and reached for the phone, dialling a number, before asking:

"Was?"

Paling at the obviously negative answer he seemed to receive he thanked the person on the other end and slowly put the phone down.

Sandy could read from the young medic's face that something terrible had happened. Slowly getting up he didn't dare to ask but couldn't stop himself from whispering:

"Ryan?"

The doctor turned around just as slowly and announced in a low voice:

"I'm so sorry… Ryan… he flat-lined… they're still trying to… to bring him back…"

* * *

Light. Bright light shining from the open end of a long tunnel. _This must be a fucking dream._

His mind was definitely playing tricks on him. First the pain, the hushed voices, the announced surgery and now he had obviously been dropped off on some lonely street, facing a tunnel. At least there was light shining at him from the other side, blinding him with its intensity.

Surprisingly the light did not hurt his eyes, nor did it seem to come from a car or daylight. It felt more like the floating of different light sources, as if the sun and stars had gathered and decided to do some strange round dance, inviting him to come over and join them in their celebration. _Celebration of what?_ A warm feeling found its way into his heart, spreading peace, letting him forget about what seemed to be lying behind him, his past he couldn't remember much about.

He was tempted to get up and walk over, first startled by the fact that he was actually able to move, that the pain had ceased and he could think clearly, he tried to absorb every single detail around him, trying to figure out what was going on. Considering the fact that he was suddenly pain free and standing in an empty tunnel all by himself stroke him as - odd. Was it a freakishly realistic dream? Another vision clouding his comprehension? Or had he finally gone completely mental?

Although his mind told him to join the dancing lights, to not look back and embrace whatever was waiting for him at the end of the tunnel, he could not deny the tiny voice that was calling for him to stop, to look back and remember what he was walking away from.

What was he walking away from?

He couldn't say he recalled much about his own life, but the thought of joining the lights felt too much like giving up, too much like an easy way out. From what he had seen in his visions, he had figured by now that giving up was not known as one of his stronger characteristics. After all, he had been arrested twice, if his memory didn't fool him, and he had still ended up in a foreign country. It didn't matter if he had been released or if he was on the run, either way he had obviously fought his way out of prison.

But that wasn't all what bothered him, what made him hesitate. There was one question circling his mind, asking him to not yet let go, not yet give up. He couldn't stop wondering about this one, all important question: Would someone actually miss him?

* * *

A/N: please don't hate me... 


	8. The Struggle

Discl. I don't own anything related to the O.C. or the actors 

Thanks to arualms for the help and nikki greenleaf for the beta-work. Thanks to all reviewers, it's really appreciated

**

* * *

The Struggle**

"What? … This can't be happening! What are they doing to him, Dad? Do something!" Seth yelled, directly facing his parents, shock and fear clouding his eyes.

The pain and hurt in their son's voice broke Sandy's and Kirsten's heart. How could this be happening? How could a trip to mend the family turn into an even bigger nightmare than the time recently spent healing from the last tragedy this family had had to endure?

Silent tears were running down Kirsten's face, blank shock drilled into her eyes. Sandy unconsciously hugged himself while pacing the room. In his mind he was screaming, wanting to react to the news, say something. Just … do something. Make this whole mess stop. Make time stop from running so that he could finally take a deep breath and think about his next step, think about what the hell he was supposed to do now.

Dr. Lang softly interrupted the silent thoughts of the desperate family, his voice full of sympathy. "It's not over yet …"

"You don't understand, doctor." Kirsten softly said, startling Seth and Sandy with her calm voice.

"He can't die. He's Ryan – Ryan doesn't die. He fights; he survives whatever hell he has been thrown into. He always puts others first, so there is no way he dies without at least saying goodbye to us, he knows it would be the end of our family the way we know it."

Sandy wanted to take Kirsten into his arms, thank her for her words, although he knew it was just desperation speaking and that things were not that simple anymore. They had let Ryan down too many times. They hadn't listened to their sons' silent screams for help, hadn't sensed their pain and loneliness, nor fought against the feelings of abandonment that the children had to carry around. Did Ryan really still know what he was fighting for?

He had bravely faced the alcoholism of his foster mother, which he had probably blamed on himself; after all, it wasn't the first time a 'mother' of his had turned to the bottle and Ryan would never blame anyone else.

Sandy's mind was racing, searching for any hints Ryan had dropped over the last few weeks or months. Again a wave of guilt hit him, and he felt sick when he realised that the last time he had properly talked to his sons had been right after Kirsten had returned from rehab. And only to instruct them to clean the house for her arrival.

But Sandy knew Ryan well enough by now and he cringed when in retrospective he realised that the boy had been even quieter then usual. He just kept working out on his punching bag, night after night, sometimes even in the morning before breakfast, and the only other place he went was Seth's room.

Sandy fought the sick feeling in his stomach when it became clear to him that he hadn't even realised that something was wrong when the boys had stopped playing games in the den, or when Seth's visits to the pool house had ceased. Obviously his son had developed the habit of waiting for Ryan to come up to his room and talk him into getting up for school.

At least, that's what Sandy assumed Ryan had been doing, because there hadn't been any complaints from the school about either of them missing class.

Lifting his head and gazing over to his son Sandy knew that if Ryan didn't miraculously come around it would take more than a miracle to prevent his son from running, from breaking with his parents for the combined mistakes both of them had committed over the past few months. He was almost certain that Seth would disappear completely if he lost the first, and only, real friend he'd ever had.

Seth's words rung through the room, the adults wincing at the helplessness in his voice.

"Is it possible to see him?"

"I'm sorry, there's no access to the operating room for relatives." Dr. Lang mumbled awkwardly.

"There must be a window. Anything? I _need_ to see him!" Seth pleaded, his eyes never leaving the medic's face.

The young doctors expression appeared torn, his eyes full of sympathy for the desperate boy, but he could not bring himself to tell them that even if he could show them the operating room, there was nothing they could do, it was only in Ryan's power now to come back.

"I'm really …"

"No. You don't understand! I _need_ to see Ryan and if I have to run through this fucking hospital to find him, I'll do it!"

The determination in Seth's voice cut through the numbness of his parents, calling out to them, provoking a reaction to the struggles of their son.

Sandy knew that there was probably no big chance for Seth to get what he wanted, but something told him to support him, if only to show him that he still was his father, that he still cared.

"Dr. Lang? Do whatever's necessary. We insist on seeing Ryan." Sandy demanded, his voice serious and firm, eyes locked with the medic. The grateful glance Sandy earned from Seth for his support was all the lawyer had hoped for, and he nodded slightly.

Startled, Dr. Lang coughed, obviously fighting with himself as to whether he should make an exception and let the family see their dying son. There was no question that it could make matters worse, that they would break down completely at seeing their family member cease existence, but the determination in their voices and the hope in their eyes told him to ignore the lurking consequences.

"Follow me." He finally said.

"Sandy!"

Kirsten's outburst sounded like the cry of a hurting animal, her face pale, tears streaming down her face when her husband turned around to look at her.

"I can't … I can't do this … not again." She spluttered, burying her face in her hands.

"Dad!" Seth urged, ignoring his mother, nervously tapping his foot, waiting for his father to join him.

"Seth, I'm sorry, but … it's probably better if I stay with your mum. You go." Sandy answered, his voice trembling.

Looking back, only Dr. Lang caught Seth narrowing his eyes, hurt and lack of understanding radiating from his appearance when the tense black haired boy followed him out of the waiting room and down the hall to where his brother was fighting to stay alive.

* * *

It was getting cold and Ryan shuddered, as he once again inspected his surroundings. He longingly glanced over to the promising lights but also looking back to the blackness that hid everything to his eyes.

Where was he? What was he supposed to do here?

The questions were nagging, running through his mind over and over again, convincing him to not give in to the desire of just walking into the lights but to deal with this situation properly. Walking towards the tunnel wall he wanted to touch it, to inspect the way it was constructed, to find a hint as to where he was or who had built it. Taking a few steps forward, he halted, surprised when he realised that the wall was moving away from him, always a distance of a few inches to his longing hands, always out of reach when he stretched forward.

Raising his eyebrow, Ryan gulped slightly.

Strange.

Turning around he warily watched the other side of the tunnel before jumping forward, attempting to surprise and touch it, but again the concrete formation seemed to move forward with him, staying out of reach.

"Fuck! What's happening here!" It finally burst out of Ryan, his voice sounding muffled, echoing only in his head.

Once again he inspected the two options he had.

He stared into the bright lights, which seemed to wave at him, calling out for him to join them, as if they were promising to have all answers to his burning questions. It felt difficult to turn his head back to look at the dark end and a shudder crept over his body, the air turning cold, the frozen nitrogen visible with every breath he released.

Closing his eyes, Ryan hugged himself, trying to make a decision, feeling that he was meant to do so, but without any real facts to base his judgement on he felt helpless and angry. Angry for being in a situation without any knowledge of how he came here, why he was here and what would happen to him at whichever place he chose to go to.

Calming himself down he took a few deep breaths, his eyes still closed, waiting for his anger to fade to enable him to focus on the options and the decision he had to make.

"_Ryyyyyaaaaaan_!"

A shrill voice echoed through the silence of the tunnel and Ryan's eyes instantly flew open, darting around, trying to locate the person calling the name. It had seemed as if the voice came directly from his left, which was the tunnel end lying in darkness. His eyes searched through the layers of black for any hint of someone standing there, making out something other than darkness, but once again all he could see were different shades of blackness, hiding everything behind a wall of shadows. He swallowed thickly when the realisation downed on him that he was still alone.

Ryan. Ryan? Hadn't he heard that name before? Hadn't he been called Ryan by a nurse just before he woke up here?

Had that been a dream too?

Clenching his fists and gritting his teeth, he felt close to passing out, the urge to release all the anger and confusion, all frustration he felt, was quickly building inside of him. His whole body tensed up, his eyelids pressed together as he breathed heavily, feeling the rage boiling in the depth of his stomach, slowly raising up his throat, threatening to choke him if he resisted any longer and so he gave in and cried out all his desperation with an ear-piercing scream.

Suddenly the ground beneath his feet seemed to start moving and his eyes flew open, hopelessly watching the tunnel spiralling, dancing around him while he was sucked away from the lights, drawn into the darkness, no matter how hard he tried to get away, to fight the invisible force that was pushing him down.

After struggling for a few seconds Ryan realised that there was nothing he could do to prevent himself from vanishing into the dark. At least somewhat relieved about the fact that finally something was happening he stopped every movement, closed his eyes, and waited for whatever was to come.

* * *

A/N: Tell me what you think people! 


	9. The Cavalry

Thanks as usual to my fabulous beta Nikki Greenleaf**  
**

* * *

**The Cavalry**

Seconds before Seth left the waiting room and his parents behind, Kirsten caught his devastated and deeply hurt glare.

For a moment her mind went blank, blocking out all feelings. What had she done?

They had everything sorted out. They had known what they had done wrong over the past few months. What they _hadn't_ done.

Sandy and herself had been willing to do everything possible to mend this family, to heal the psychic wounds as well as they could. They had been aware that there would always be scars, but the hope had been there. Hope to re-unite the family before the boys left for college.

And now she had thrown it away in the blink of an eye.

Sending a helpless glance to her husband, she saw the same emotion of failing, and of deep sorrow, mirroring in his brown, thoughtful eyes.

"What can we …?" she started, her voice failing her.

Sandy just shook his head helplessly and hugged her tight. A choking sound escaped his throat and she knew he was desperately biting back tears himself.

"We can't do this on our own. We're too much involved," Kirsten's voice was tearful but firm.

She was tired of fighting, tired of trying to no avail. Too many emotions were keeping them from discussing things on a factual basis – keeping them from listening to each other.

Dr. Woodruff had offered help, advising the parents to consider family therapy. But with all the hidden and repressed emotions of Ryan, the recent sorrow encountered and the problems Kirsten and Sandy were dealing with, they had been downright scared to even think about this option.

What kind of parents were they to be scared of the emotions of their son?

Their son … their son was dead. Gone as surprising and random as he had entered their lives.

They had been scared to get to know him, to fully deal with his past and with what they had done wrong the two and a half years he had been living with them.

"We need help." Sandy echoed Kirsten's previous statement.

Regaining some sense of action he got up and flicked open his cell, pushing the speed dial.

xxxxx

"Ryyyyyaaaaaan!"

Seth's cry resounded through the observation room, floating through the hall, down to the operating room where it lingered in the air for a few seconds, sending goose-bumps down Dr. Lang's back.

Deep desperation, hopelessness and fear spoke from the boy's voice. Seth had his hands pressed against the glass window taking short, shallow breaths, his eyes darting over Ryan's pale, motionless face and the heart-rate monitor to his right.

"Defibrillator mit 360 lade!"

Stony-faced, Seth watched the doctors and nurses work. Wincing when convulsions shook Ryan's body upon the electro shocks; he turned to Dr. Lang, his eyes pleading for the medic to explain what was going on. Or maybe just to tell him that the torture his brother had to endure would help, would be worth it.

Voices were screaming in Seth's head, threatening to break free. He wanted to call out to Ryan, challenge him to wake up, not to leave this world without a fight. However, no sound escaped his lips, his throat chocking on the words his mind was delivering.

The salty, warm wetness Seth tasted on his lips was another indication of the inevitable breakdown he was sure to experience, should the beeping sound everyone was waiting for never come.

Blood was pounding harshly in his ears, his pulse increasing with the seconds Ryan's heart rate remained nonexistent.

For the first time in his life Seth could relate to Ryan's way of coping. He could understand how Ryan felt when the world got too much to handle and all he wanted to do was work his punching bag, releasing all the dark, angry thoughts of his head.

Seth noted, surprised, how difficult it was to keep himself from pounding his fists into the glass wall.

He had no idea how Ryan did it. How he resisted fighting any stupid jerk that provoked him. If his brother _always_ felt as helpless and furious as he was feeling right now, he was actually astonished at the few fights Ryan had gotten himself into.

Caught in his own thoughts for a few seconds it took his brain a moment to register the beep.

The relieved sigh of the young doctor next to him brought Seth back to reality, his eyes immediately focussing on the heart-monitor.

The second beep engraved itself deep into Seth's own heart. That beep was the most fucking awesome sound he had ever heard. Aside from Death Cab's _A Lack of Color, _of course. A croaking sound left his throat, followed by more tears. Sliding down the glass wall when his wobbly knees decided to give up, Seth sat down, heavy sobs shaking his body.

"Do you want me to get your parents?" Dr. Lang asked softly.

And all Seth could do was nod and give a small wave with his hand. Because right now he couldn't give a shit about his parents.

There was only one thing his mind kept thinking, screaming, knowing.

Ryan was alive.

xxxxx

"Ah, the _parents_!"

Seth's voice was dripping with sarcasm when he rejoined Sandy and Kirsten in the private waiting room, dropping heavily into one of the empty chairs.

"_Seth_." Sandy scolded, his voice not as firm as he had intended it to be.

"Don't '_Seth_' me, father."

The teen's response came fast, pain and disappointment resounding in his tone.

"Seth, please." Kirsten sent her son a pleading glance, asking for temporary forgiveness, to let them at least be happy for a few moments after the surprising announcement that Ryan was alive.

"No! You have _absolutely_ no right to ask me for anything! You've lost your parental status when you left Ryan dying on that stretcher."

Nervously running his fingers over the smooth surface of the table, Seth let out a deep breath, trying to regain some of his posture.

Maybe it wasn't the time for fighting, not the time to hand out the blame. But he was exhausted, mentally drained after witnessing Ryan's fight to stay alive. Alone.

"Let's not destroy this happy moment by fighting again, Seth."

Seth was tempted to give in to the begging voice of his mother. Remembering the moment in the car, when he had needed her to take care of him. Remembering how she had always been the voice of reason.

But he was hurt too deeply. Neglecting him was one thing, but denying their dying son their support, not even acknowledging the person he was, in believing that he would come back to them, had sent Seth over the edge.

"Happy? You gotta be fucking kidding me." Snorting Seth jumped out of the chair, turned around with as much fury as he could muster up and left the room, slamming the door shut behind him, wincing at the sound.

Fresh tears were streaming down his face as he walked towards the nurse who had directed him back to the waiting room.

"I'm sorry; would it be possible to sit with Mr. Atwood now?"

The short woman glanced at him suspiciously, but noticed the tears and his cracking voice.

Smiling, she softly took his arm and guided him towards another section of the hospital.

"Of course, honey. But remember, Ryan's not out of the woods yet. He needs to relax, time to recover."

Seth barely nodded, blankly following the nurse to the ICU, his hands shaking from exhaustion and nervousness.

xxxxx

The following hours turned into days spent waiting, hoping and dealing.

Seth maintained the distance to the parents, only speaking when he was addressed.

Sitting with Ryan for most of the time, Seth was still too scared to touch him, to initiate some kind of contact with his brother. But at the same time he was scared to leave if only for a couple of minutes to go to the toilet or get something to eat, scared that Ryan's condition would change.

Sandy and Kirsten were hovering around Ryan's bed, but nobody was really speaking. Although the doctor had told them that comatose patients were believed to hear what was going on around them, none of the Cohen's really knew what to say.

The tension in the room was palpable, all Cohen's afraid to get too close, to restore the connection to Ryan, fearing he might not be staying.

The routine with which the parents checked all monitors without actually looking at Ryan, searching for any hint of some more colour on his face, scared Seth.

Those were not the parents he knew.

His parents had never been afraid of human contact. And definitely not of addressing problems, discussing them sometimes painfully, but openly. The two people he was sitting with were strangers.

Looking at Sandy who was sleeping in a chair and Kirsten next to him, observing his chest rise and fall, made Seth feel like he was the parent watching two kids.

Seth felt helpless.

He wasn't used to be alone. Of course he had never had many … well, any friends. But he had always been able to count on his parents. And later on, Ryan.

But right now, he was more alone and scared than ever before in his life.

So he sat beside Ryan, silently praying, hoping his brother would wake up. Somehow he was convinced that together with Ryan they could knock some sense into the older Cohen's.

"So, this is Switzerland."

Seth felt water gathering in his tired eyes when he recognised the voice.

The cavalry had arrived.

Turning around he got up and quickly walked over to Sophie Cohen, hugging her tight. At her touch relief washed over him like a fresh summer rain.

The soft "hello Sophie" of Kirsten was acknowledged by a nod in her direction. But the Nana's eyes were already resting on Ryan.

Seth shuddered when he was finally able to release some of the tension that had been holding him up, keeping him from giving in to sleep and he felt his knees buckle.

"You're exhausted, Sethala."

The Nana guided Seth back to his chair, warmly stroking his back when he sat down. Stepping closer to Ryan she brushed her hand over his hair, tenderly stroking his cheeks.

"Oh, kiddo," Sophie sighed softly before turning around, hands on her hips, voice meaning business.

"Sandy!"

The Nana noticed how Seth tensed when his father woke up, confusion speaking from his eyes.

"Good afternoon, Sandford."

"Mum," Sandy got up and walked over, hugging his mother welcome, "thank you for coming."

"I was surprised you hadn't called earlier, son. But now that I'm here, it's time for a break. You all go back to the hotel and get some sleep. No exception. I'll be staying with Ryan and will call if something comes up."

Glaring dangerously at the three other conscious people in the room nobody dared to object. Sophie hugged Seth goodbye, softly whispering, "It's going to be alright, honey."

Seth nodded and smiled weakly, before following his parents out of the room.

Sophie turned around and sat down next to Ryan, taking a hand into hers while her other hand rubbed his arm, her voice firm when she spoke.

"Okay, Ryan. I know you can hear me. It's time to wake up now."

* * *

A/N: more to come soon, hopefully, first part of the next chapter is already written, so I'm optimistic ;-) 


	10. The Wakeup

Discl. I don't own anything related to the o.c. or the actors  
Hugs and kisses to my fabulous beta, beabeabea, thanks hon!

* * *

**The Wake-up**

Alone with Ryan and her thoughts, Sophie's mind wandered to the tension she had felt in Ryan's room upon her arrival.

She had to admit Sandy's call had surprised her.

It was not many times before that she had heard a total and utter helplessness in her boy's voice. Sandy was a fighter, always has been. And if there was nothing to fight for himself, he fought for people who had given up.

Nothing like his father.

Every time she had visited Sandy and Kirsten, seen her grandson, she had experienced what wonderful parents they made. Sandy had turned into the father she had always known he could be, despite the bad example of his own genitor.

Sophie had been so proud when Sandy told her about Ryan. Going as far as to accept a stranger to their home, love him like their own, was something Sophie had never been able to.

It buried the risk of getting hurt, like she had been hurt when her husband walked out on her. She had never been ready to allow someone get so close again – until she was diagnosed with cancer.

But seeing Sandy, Kirsten and Seth welcoming Ryan into their family with open arms, giving him a real option to his messed up life, had moved her deep inside.

Maybe the life in the Bronx had made her too hard? She acknowledged that Sandy's accusations uncovered a bitter truth.

By working for others, abandoning her children, she didn't have to think about all the pain. The pain she felt when she looked into their faces, sensing them hurt over the lack of a father. When she watched Sandy it always stung, her eyes revealing that he was turning into the exact image of his father.

Sophie jumped a little when Ryan was stirring next to her, his breathing going faster for a few seconds before he calmed down again.

Brushing her hand over the dark blond hair of the kid, Sophie smiled.

Ryan had brought so much trouble to casa Cohen, but had at the same time saved them.

The first time Sandy had called to tell her about Ryan, Sophie had been stunned. Not by the news or the surprise about this step, but about the new warmth in Sandy's voice when talking about Ryan.

The kid from Chino had brought compassion back to the family. Had forced them to deal again with each other.

Again Ryan stirred, drawing in a sharp breath of air as if he was in pain.

Sophie stroked his arm tenderly, tempted to call the nurse to have her increase Ryan's pain medication. Watching the dark blond boy closely she saw his face relaxing again after a few seconds, the tension in his body subsiding.

Gently brushing a hand over Ryan's cheeks, Sophie noticed the change of colour and was not surprised when the heartbeat monitor registered a change in Ryan's aortic rhythm.

Ryan's was about to wake up.

* * *

"Ryan!"

The call was distant and hushed when it reached Ryan's comprehension. A second later he wasn't even sure, whether it had been an actual voice or just an echo in his mind, calling the name he was now surprisingly well accustomed to be hearing.

He hadn't ever been as tired as he was right now.

Ryan felt as if he was not connected to his body, his mind freely floating through a dark room.

When sharp pain shot through his guts, resulting in a small moan, Ryan had to reconsider.

Obviously there were limbs.

Even a head.

And it hurt.

He didn't fight the blackness any longer, but let himself come rushing back to consciousness with a gasp, sucking in air like he was on the verge of suffocation.

Ryan coughed at the intense pain when the air floated down his raspy, sore throat, expanding his lungs painfully.

His breathing came ragged and short, little explosions of pain going off in his head every time he gasped for air.

All he could feel at first was a rush of blood in his ears, nausea washing over him and he swallowed thickly. Something was covering his nose and mouth and it took Ryan a few seconds to identify it as oxygen mask. Although it felt odd and intimidating, Ryan was actually happy about the breathing aid, inhaling the pure air thankfully.

Laying still as he was too exhausted and drained to move if only the slightest, he focused on his body, trying to locate the pain, determine whether all limps still were where they ought to be.

As if the awareness of the situation had triggered his body to wake up, he slowly felt all his senses kicking in.

When his hearing returned, Ryan winced at the noise around him. It was beeping, clicking and humming everywhere, sending his already throbbing head into a new spiral of pain.

Telling himself to cam down, he took another few deep breaths from the oxygen mask before again focussing on his surroundings. Ryan grimaced when he realised that the intense smell of what seemed to be disinfectants triggered a new wave of nausea in his system.

Out of nowhere a hand was placed on his forehead and he slightly jerked away, the sudden movement sending a blinding pain through his skull. But the hand remained on its position and started brushing over his head, through his hair, indicating that it meant no harm.

Tensing when he still couldn't force his eyes open, he felt his heartbeat quicken, the pounding of his aortic muscle deafening his ears.

"Relax, Ryan, it's ok. You're fine."

Ryan wanted to laugh out loud but his mind was giving him a hard time, having him struggle to even fulfil such easy tasks as breathing.

_So this is how "**fine**" felt like?_

Once again his attempt to open his eyes failed and Ryan felt himself fading again. Enjoying the feeling of security and comfort the warm hand stroking his face, brushing through his hair, was providing, he let himself lull to sleep and blacked out again.

* * *

A/N: Thoughts anyone?


End file.
